Have You Ever...

Have you ever thought a girl was cool and didn't really realize she was pretty banging (a.k.a. attractive) and then you see her on your last day you are in Chicago with like two hours left and things click and then all of sudden you're riding around in a bike-drawn carriage? And after that you both get a box of matches in order to commemorate the newness of passion? And then you go dancing and you make yourself dance because you think this girl is really cool? And you happened to spill all your knowledge about the Hanson brothers to her which hooked her? And she likes Disneyland? And then you nuzzle each other while trying to dance and it was cute and sexy and everything you ever wanted? And then some douche bag she's taking a class with at Second City gets really fucked up and she has to go take care of him and you are stuck in Chicago alone? And you have ten minutes to catch the North Line? And the cab driver is really fucking slow? And some Navy mother fuckers are in front of you on the Metra? And then you wake up and you're still on the train? And when you arrive it's almost two in the morning and you wait under the pre-pay awning because its raining? And then your best friend comes and picks you up? And you try not to cry in the car but just wait until you're laying down?

Me neither.

4 Guaranteed* Pickup Lines

1. Is your vagina tired? Because I have been having sex with it all day in my head with my wiener.

2. I'm a carefree guy. Like I don't care that I have HIV.

3. Which way is the bathroom because I have to shit before we fux.

4. I just banged your mom and you are next pretty lady.


*unclear what is guaranteed

Clipboard Woman

Today I was walking to the corner to begin to cross the road. I spotted a woman with a clipboard in her hands, poised for signatures. In my head I imagined she was petitioning for "women's rights" in which case I imagined responding "no, they're a myth."

She was there for women's rights.

I declined to sign based on principle.

Sparknotes: HERO and LEANDER

Hero is a total babe ad Leander wants to fuck her. In order to get in that, Leander must swim across water. On his way, Poseidon sees that dick (now remember Leander was wearing only a skimpy loin cloth and his cock was way out there) and he wants nothing more than to suck on it. Slurp! Slurp! He settles with only giving Leander a great handjob. After Leander gets ashore, his emotions are conflicted as he begins to cope with the aftershocks of molestation. Hero ends up beating her meat alone in the temple at Delphi.

Celebrity Lookalikes I'd Like to Meet

1) Kate Winslett
2) Danny Glover
3) The Beatles
4) Peewee Herman
5) Sacajawea
6) Dave Thomas
7) Snow White

Talking to Dave

ME: what's Charlie St. Cloud about?
DAVE: Zak effron's bro dies and Zak plays ball with hid ghost and thn Zak falls in love with a girl who wants him to sail around the world with her but can't becase he has to play ball with his dead brother but then a storm comes and Zak has to go and save his girl who is on the boat.
ME: sounds awesome! I'm going to see it. He's hot!
DAVE: No it looks bad/good
ME: I like him. 17 Again was seriously good.
DAVE: I saw it. I like Matt Perry.
ME: Me too. And I would blow dudes for Leslie Mann.
DAVE: That's weird.
ME: Not really it's weird if you don't agree. Are you a fag?
DAVE: Nope. I hate fags which might make me a fag.
ME: Yes, by the transitive property of nature. You are.
DAVE: I knew it. That's why I hate myself.
ME: These third grade math principles will get you.
DAVE: You had maths in the third grades that is cools

Wanted: Girlfriend

Must have:

- longish hair
- wavy or curly preferred
- redhead would be wonderful but I also like all the differet varieties too
- I'm partial to hipster girls or punky girls
- tattoos are a plus
- must like to laugh
- must like The Kinks
- must not be premeditating breaking up with me after pretending to be in love
- a pair of dancing shoes is optional as I will take you out on the town
- if you don't like to cuddle please refrain from responding to this inquiry
- if you are making fun of me and wish to have me sink lower into the septa of depression and also think I'm a big pussy and want an asshole to make you feel insecure do not follow up on this (I am a genuinely sweet guy with oddities but that hardly gives you the fucking right to drop me in a serious time of need)
- boobs are good but not required (cancer survivors, I'm equal opportunity)

More on God

"If God wanted us to bear our breasts we would have been born nude. Me, I came out of my mom's vagina wearing an Armani three piece."

- Bob McDonnell

Chicago Sex Tips

Here's a couple if tips that will help spice up your sex life whilst in the Second City:

1) I don't know what it is, maybe the locals know, but the butt sex here is fabulous. It has something to do with the wind.

2) If you get a half-blowjob (a quick dip down on the member) you can lie on your back and with reverence to the sky tell the wind's direction.

That's it for today's tips. Remember to be safe and enjoy each other's sensuality every day possible.

My Top 3 Fears

1) Losing My Teeth
2) Dangerously Dry Handjob
3) Death

A Religious Testimonial

God REALLY runs my life now. he rewards me with divine sexual pleasure for doing my work. me=God's slave. lol. I was watching porn/enjoying the blessing of hands for 45 minutes, yet, zero pleasure. God took my ability to feel pleasure. then all of the sudden. BOOM. Godly intense O. LOL. God it is really hot in here sweetheart take off your clothes again. ROFL. nice one God. I meant to say God is the SHIT. LOVE HIM.

- C.C. Applegate

Piggy Payoff

For all you fans of cute pigs and movies such as Charlotte's Web, Babe, Babe 2: Pig in the City, Lassie and G-Force, you will be really excited to see the new installment in the Nanny McPhee saga:

Nanny McPhee Returns.

There is a HUGE piggy payoff!

Best Advice

"Son, you can't get a baby boy pregnant."

- Father

One Side of A Phone Call With My Mom

Hey Mom. (Sigh of disgust) No, I don't need you to do my laundry. I'm a fucking grownup for Christ's sake. Sorry. (deep breath) I flew off the handle. I didn't mean it. I was out late last night and the No Mom! I'm not telling you what I did last night. It is none of you business. I'm not a fucking kid anymore. I don't need you badgering me about my sex life. If I want to be a big boy, I can do what I want! (tapping fingers nervously) You have NO RIGHT TO KNOW MY PERSONAL BUSINESS! So what if we did it in the parking lot of the church. It's no skin off your teeth! (deathly silence) Love you too, Mommy.

I Hardly Know Her!

Tipper? I hardly know her!

Torture? I hardly know her!

Runner? I hardly know her!

Rape her? I hardly know her!

Bananer? I hardly know her!

Potater? I hardly know her!

Gunner? I hardly know her!

A Conversation With Myself

Me: Hey man, how did last night go?

Me Too: It went pretty well. I had a good time on stage.

Me: What the fuck dude, quick beating around the bush. You know what I'm asking about.

Me Too: No. No, I really don't. Calm down you. I mean, calm down me.

Me: Quit the cutesy bull shit. Did you get the girl?

Me Too: Well, I did me a very nice and cute girl. That much is affirmative.

Me: Goddam it! Just fucking tell me. DID YOU GET THE PUSSY PAYOFF?

Me Too: What are you talking about? You are so sick. She's a lovely person. Don't disrespect her like that.

Me: Oh, I get it. You did the deed. Yeah! That's what you did you little bastard. Hell yeah!

Me Too: Stop it. Stop it right now! I am a gentleman and she is a gentlewoman and to be quite frank -

Me: Oh shut your pussy up.

Me Too: I would be the shit out of me if it wouldn't hurt me too.

How Acai Berry and Colon Cleanse changed my life forever!

ho.io

My name is Lynne Thomas and I wanted to share my weight loss story with you. Im no medical guru or anything like that. Im just a mom who figured out a system that works better than all the famous diets you tried (you know, the ones that didnt work?).

Be More Specific

I helped out my aunt the other week and baby sat my little 5-year old cousin. Crazy little girl, cute, but she's got the devil inside her. The urge to kill and strangle is deep within her, and I could sense it a mile away like Yoda sensed the midichlorians in Luke's blood, from the get-go.

Naturally when she asked to watch "Dexter" I popped in the Michael C. Hall joint. She and I just sat there, glued to the t.v., not moving an inch the entire duration of the last four episodes of season 1. I figured she was an enlightened chick, especially for a kindergartener.

Alas. Turns out... that there's two shows that could go by the moniker "Dexter" and I chose the wrong won. Can't fault me though. Honest mistake.

Movie Review: Sorcerer's Apprentice

Nick Cage hits another home run out of the park with the newest Jerry Bruckheimer insta-classic. I never thought he'd be better than he was in Raising Arizona as H.I. McDunnough but in this film he captures the serenity and eternal struggle a thousand-year old sorcerer deals with under the name of Balthazar Blake.

At first I thought this film would be just another throw away, but as soon as you see Alfred Molina as the evil wizard (who is a mixture between Al Capone and marscapone) the film launches itself headfirst into the unwavering memories of American GREAT cinema.

After some ground-breaking original twists in the plot line and an unexpected triumph from the underdog (in no way similar to Harry Potter or any slew of shitty movies that predicted this film's arrival to the main-stage) I left the film satisfied.

So... the big question: Does this film give you the puppy payoff? YES!!!

SPOILER: There are cute puppies and you most definitely feel fulfilled.

(honestly it was a decent movie in a box with clever and cheesy writing I just pre-ordered the dvd from Amazon)

Warum Hitler wirklich schlecht ist.

Der Zweite Weltkrieg war eines der tragischsten Ereignisse in der Geschichte der Welt. Nicht nur, dass Millionen von Menschen sterben, aber die Welt war dazu verdammt, sich mit Die Beilegung des drohenden bösen Smog Wolke von Nazis und Faschismus auf unsere Gesellschaft.
Unser Leben, unsere Kultur kann und darf nicht loslassen, was passiert in der
Welt vor siebzig Jahren. ABER, sollten wir nicht verbilligen die Travestie, indem einfach und reichlich Hitler Witze und Referenzen.

Meiner Meinung nach, ist Hitler nicht nur schlecht, weil er ein böser Mensch (was war teilweise der Grund, ich habe so ein großes Problem mit der Fülle von Casual Hitler Anspielungen), aber auch er geplagt unserer Kultur mit verkümmerten Denkprozesse. Dort sind böse Menschen in der Welt, wie wir, die wirklich mit viel mehr tun konnte, sprechen belästigen und Scham in der Hand des schlechten Kreativität (wenn ich selbst es so nennen kann).

Wenn du zu schreiben sind, nicht bringen Hitler, nicht herauf Nazis, Don't Bring up Faschismus, weil es nicht lustig, es ist nicht original, und es ist pathetisch und verstörend.

Letter To Ellen Page

Dear Ellen,

I think you are so beautiful and talented. You have such a nice demeanor and you are funny and cute and need a man to really give you all the attention and respect such a rare and awe-inspiring jewell deserves.

If you are ever in need of a boy friend, you know how to find me! (I am friends with everyone on facebook under the name "Ellen Page")

Love,

John Reaves

A Real Breadwinner

I overheard the owner of a local sub shop talking about how their morning deliveries of bread (sub rolls both wheat and white, and maybe the occasional box of flatbread) had been pillaged, pilfered, raided. Parts of their bread orders had been absconded with and vanished into a doughy nothingness in the wee hours of the morning.

His idea was to put out a sign that says "Thou Shalt Not Steal." When I heard this, it made me excited. So the next morning, I staked out the place and waited for the eagle to land (the delivery to be made) and the sign to be applied donning the foreboding cautionary message of "Thou Shalt Not Steal."

I swiftly made my way down the alley, across the street, and managed to pry loose a bit of sub roll for myself and my disciples.

I left a sign that said "Give Us This Day Our Daily Bread."

Cabbage Patch Dolls

When I was a kid I had a Cabbage Patch doll that my grandmother bought for me.

His name was Albert.

I loved him forever.

One day I found out his name was Alberta and he was a girl.

I was very sad.

Movies That Make Me Cry

1) Big Fish

2) Beverly Hills Ninja

Do you feel....

Do feel:

- fat?

- worthless?

- ugly?

- pathetic?

- insignificant?

- stupid?

Chances are that you probably are one of these things at least partially.

Come on down to Gun World! Our deals can (and will) blow your mind!

Silly Things From Last Night

Why do bananas look like yellow wieners?

8-pack of frozen hot dogs = edible dildos.

Movie Review: I Am Love

Should I see I am Love?

Do I want to see Tilda Swinton's tits and a bit of her hooha?

Chairs: Barber vs. Dentist

There must be some sort of graph out there to indicate the relationship between bad hair and talkitiveness at the dentist.

The other day I went to the dentist. As I was sitting alone in the chair, partially reclined and trying really hard not get get a full-on erection, I could hear in the room next to me this middle aged woman going on and on while two hygienists held her down as Dr. Dentist went to town on her mouth.

Now my thinking is that she confused a chair and attention to the head with the same atmosphere of a beauty salon. She was trying to explain her kids' swim team activities as the hideous high-pitched hiss of the dental drill pecked away at her toofs.

My suspicions were somewhat confirmed when I saw her get up and leave, all smiles, still chatty Cathy. Her hair was big. I mean BIG. Dyed awfully, but clearly a lot of attention paid (literally as well) to maintain such a bushy quaff.

Then I thought about my hair. Fabulous curls, styled to the utmost, right where high-fashion and ultimate style meet in the middle of the street and start having crazy animal sex.

So, in conclusion: the more you pay for your hair = the most you'll talk at the dentist. FACT